What I offer

Discernment
Counselling

Sometimes the hardest question in a relationship isn't how to fix it. It's whether to try.

Discernment Counselling is for couples where at least one partner is ambivalent — uncertain whether to stay and work on the relationship, or to separate. It is not couples therapy. It is a structured, time-limited process to help each of you reach clarity about what you want to do next.

man in red and black long sleeve shirt and black hat

THE PROGRAMME

Not Couples Therapy. Something Different.

Developed by Dr William Doherty at the University of Minnesota, Discernment Counselling is a 5-session programme specifically designed for couples where one partner leans toward leaving and one leans toward staying. It does not push toward any outcome. Its only goal is clarity.

"This is not about saving the relationship or ending it. It's about making sure that whatever you decide, you decide it clearly — with your eyes open."

Sabrina

THE THREE PATHS

Where the Programme Leads

Path 1

Stay and Commit

Both partners choose to work on the relationship. Referral to Emotionally Focused Therapy couples counselling follows.

Path 1

Stay and Commit

Both partners choose to work on the relationship. Referral to Emotionally Focused Therapy couples counselling follows.

Path 2

Separate with Clarity

The relationship ends, with clarity and mutual respect. A thoughtful referral to the right next step is provided for both partners.

Path 2

Separate with Clarity

The relationship ends, with clarity and mutual respect. A thoughtful referral to the right next step is provided for both partners.

Path 3

Take More Time

Time More individual sessions are arranged before committing to a direction. No pressure toward any outcome.

Path 3

Take More Time

Time More individual sessions are arranged before committing to a direction. No pressure toward any outcome.

THE FIVE SESSIONS

How It Unfolds

Session 1

Joint

Each partner shares their story. The ambivalence is named and mapped. Ground rules established. No pressure toward any outcome.

Session 1

Joint

Each partner shares their story. The ambivalence is named and mapped. Ground rules established. No pressure toward any outcome.

Session 2

Individual, Ambivalent Partner

Deeper exploration of the ambivalence. What the relationship once was. What has been lost. Whether it feels retrievable.

Session 2

Individual, Ambivalent Partner

Deeper exploration of the ambivalence. What the relationship once was. What has been lost. Whether it feels retrievable.

Session 3

Individual, Other Partner

Their experience, their grief, their needs. What they are genuinely prepared to do.

Session 3

Individual, Other Partner

Their experience, their grief, their needs. What they are genuinely prepared to do.

Session 4

Joint

Both together, drawing on individual sessions without breaching confidentiality. Exploring whether a genuine repair attempt is worth making.

Session 4

Joint

Both together, drawing on individual sessions without breaching confidentiality. Exploring whether a genuine repair attempt is worth making.

Session 5

Joint, Decision Session

Each partner articulates their path clearly. This is a clarity session, not a pressure session. Whatever is decided is honoured.

Session 5

Joint, Decision Session

Each partner articulates their path clearly. This is a clarity session, not a pressure session. Whatever is decided is honoured.

"The goal is not a particular outcome. The goal is that you both leave knowing what you actually want — and why."

Sabrina

THE PROCESS

Is This Right for You?

Who it's for

Couples where at least one partner is seriously considering separation.
Couples who have been stuck in the same ambivalent place for a long time.
Couples who want to make a clear decision rather than drift.
Couples who are not yet ready for couples therapy because they're not sure they want to save the relationship.

Discernment Counselling is not couples therapy — it does not attempt to repair the relationship during the programme. If both partners choose to stay, I offer Emotionally Focused Therapy couples counselling as the next step. If separation is chosen, I can refer you to mediation support at
TheMediationRoom.nz.